a long period of silence

My last posting in this blog was months ago ...i was active in the other blog as it is more on my activities ..the things that I done, and as a mean of updating my dear friends of my activities ...always happy occasions ...food, party, sight seeing and merriment ...but i was reluctant to update this blog, as I felt this is more personal to me ...so, I have been thinking that I need time to rethink this new phase of my life ..i need time to re-adjust to living in Wellington ..i need time to reflect on the past ..i need to know how strong I could be..and how strong I must be in order to achieve what I have set myself to achieve ...

sounds cliche? perhaps ...but I was finding it a bit hard to settle down here ..the first month was the hardest ...trying to cope with my new responsibility ...as a student, under scholarship..with pressure and expectation, a new challenge as I was basically "taken out" from my comfort zone ...yes, I admit that I was so comfortable in my last position back home ..and here I am, in a foreign land where I do not know anybody when I first arrived ...and missing the boys terribly ....this is actually our longest separation period ...i was trying to take everything in my stride ...it was hard ...as I was trying not to let my parents and my siblings know how I really feel ..putting a brave face ..and trying to be cheerful ...i am person who always hide behind my smiles, I am good at that...I smile a lot and people around me think I am so happy and no problem to think about...they were wrong, there were times that I cried myself to sleep because I miss Al and adik so much ...when I knew that my mom or my dad were unwell ...when I knew that my only sister was hospitalised and having an operation...and knowing that I am so far away, and couldn't do anything about any of it was heart breaking ...

I am blessed to have many friends here ...despite only being here for only 5 months now ...I went out practically every weekends...potluck dinners, bbq dinners, drinks, sight seeing, sleep-overs..you name it, my weekends were always full of activities...and yet, sometimes I still feel I am so alone, despite being surrounded by people ...don't get me wrong, they are really really wonderful friends ...helping me in so many ways ...they have all been very kind to me, I really do appreciate their friendship...but, I guess there are times that I just felt so far from my family and close friends ....but I always tell myself, I choose this path ...it was my own decision to pursue this PhD journey ..and I know that it is going to be a long journey, and mine has just started ..I know all that ....it makes me more determined to finish this as soon as I possibly can ...

And doing a PhD is a different ball game altogether ...there are times I feel so stupid and cannot understand what my supervisor wanted me to do ...it is like he was talking in different language altogether! There are times that I read ...and read ...and read ..but I still don't understand what I was reading!!! and the guilt set in ...as I was guilty of all the time that I wasted by not being productive ...and that guilt spiraled into depressing thoughts and translated into a somewhat study-distruptive behaviour ...and I am only 5 months into PhD ...imagine how I will have to cope and motivate myself to be strong for the next 3 years ....

and another form of distraction has been from people in my past ...i received unwanted communication from my past life that really pissed me off ...some people just cannot get over the fact that I have move on ....and that being single doesn't mean that i am pining for companion ...but it is sort of a blessing in disguise for me ...because it made me realised that I can tell trusted friends about my past ..and I did not cry ...i don't feel anything anymore ...and it just struck me that I am completely and utterly free from that episodes ...people said that you are healed when you can talk about it without crying anymore ...i used to think it was a cheesy line ...but, heyyyyy ..i realised that I am so over it that it did not bother me at all ..so, hoorayy for that ...

At the moment, my only focus in life is to finish my PhD ...and to be happy with my family ...I have come to a decision that I will try my very best to achieve these important aims of mine ...sacrifices have to be made ....i have to be strong and determined ..there will be times when I will falter, but i must remind myself, I need to pick myself up again ...that's called life ...

so, maybe..just maybe...this new phase in my life will make me into a stronger person...and yes, I am still searching for my rainbow ...for now, my rainbow is known as PhD :-)

Shaista's Chicken Briyani

My flatmates and I had a grand time cooking the last few days ...we seldom see each other due to our busy schedules ..i am not a morning person, so I always wake up later than my flatmates ...and they are usually gone by the time I am up ...and I often stayed back at the office till 6 or 7 and usually my habit is to heat up leftovers for dinner - if there is any ...or cook up some quick and simple dish for dinner ..hence, i was always not in the kitchen for a long time ....Shaista and Pupei always cook dinner and I seldom cook at the same time as them ...Maryam, on the other hand, is always busy and comes back to the flat late at night - where she usually had her dinner at school ....

but last few days were different ...i think because of the cold weather, most of us came back early and want to have some nice hot meals ....and somehow decided to cook briyani together ...or rather, Shaista cooked the chicken ...Maryam cook the rice while I did the cuttings of vege for salads etc ...the result was outstanding :-) and i said that sincerely from the bottom of my heart .....

Apart from the main dish of chicken briyani, she also made raita and onion salad ...it was like a full set of meal ....worth a repeat :-) and I am volunteering to help cut the vegetables ...or washing up afterwards

the onion and cucumber salad ...all sliced thinly by yours truly :-)

potato raita ..with chickpeas

Shaista assured us that this is a complete Pakistani meal ...and you know what, that was really delicious ...worth a repeat

pre-festival brunch at Nicole's

Last week was Newtown Festival ..initially planned to go there with Maryam, my flatmate coz it is her case study area ...then a couple of days before the festival, Maryam invited me to go with her to her friend's Nicole place for brunch ...she lives in Newtown and orgnised this brunch for her friends before they all go for the festivities ...I tagged along with Maryam and her friend from school, Nabil, ...and guess what, we walked from our place all the way to Newtown ..and it was like a 40-45 mins journey on foot ...it was not bad until i saw some hilly parts, but the weather was kind  of nice ..so walking was ok ..plus there was three of us, and we were talking non-stop, so it was kind of not too tiring ...until ...we came to a very (and I mean very!!!) steep hills ..My God! I would never rent a house that is on the top of the hill..and being the last house on the street ...was really out of breath when I arrived at Nicole's place ...even Maryam who walks to and from school everyday was out of breath climbing up that street ..and it is harder for us coz Nabil kept pressuring us to walk faster as were are actually late! the invitation was for 10am ...but by 10 we were still walking :-)

 wonderful view from Nicole's balcony ...was told that the view of the sunset from this balcony is spectacular!

To my surprise, when I arrived there I saw familiar faces ...Kak Shidah and another Malaysian couple were there ..so happened that she and Nicole were in the same school ...and i get to meet other people as well ..but the food was the highlight of the visit ...My God!!! It was such a huge spread ..and all was homemade ...the hostess is a great cook ..and she did all her baking! Very impressed ...but not many photos coz I was shy to take photos ...and only took the photo after most of the food were gone ...and believe you me, the food were done very quickly...especially the smoked salmon pastries puffs...vege quiche ...and the cakes ..

apple tree at the backyard

Nicole made lots of breads ...and there were homemade jams as well ...one that people kept saying a really good was the one the plum and ginger jam ..I did not taste it as I dont feel like having ginger in my jam and toasted bread ..and there were muesli ...bagels and cream cheese ...various cakes and cookies ...muffins and scones ...and that is not even a comprehensive list!

see - lots of empty trays ...the vege quiche was very nice ...but i love the smoked salmon puffs more! and she just bought a waffle maker - so the highlight of the day was the waffles ...

the plum and ginger preserves

this was my favourite of all ...cheese and tomato scones ...yummy to the max!

one of the loaves that she baked for the party ..

I get to meet a couple of people there ...especially Maryam's friends from school ...it was nearly 2pm that we went down to join the festival ..it was well underway by then ...lots of people, foodstalls selling variety of foods - from Africa, Indonesia, Moroccco, India, Hungary ..just to name a few ...will do another posting on the festival later ...

 one of the food stalls ...

I was joining their group that day ..the lady in white is Maryam's friend ..and the other guy is a friend of Nicole, whom we just met that day ...they were there for the music ...but Maryam, Nabil and I were more for the atmosphere and to what it is all about ..and the food of course ...so, the three of us went back to town by 4pm ...and instead of taking the ubus, we walked for another 45 mins ...a crazy day of walking at such great distances ...and guess what, we did not go home straight away, but went to the Bay and the museum first! Then that night I slept so early ..and didnt wake up till the following day ...was tiring but fun! and the food made it more awesome ...and memorable ..

lunch entertainment

Hello ..i am doing a posting via my mobile for the first time...am so bored and out of my mind with too much things to do. I have classes 3 days a week and on top of that i am expected to complete bits and pieces for my phd ..but not complaining too much here coz i love both my lecturers ..so cool and both has very interesting ways of delivering lecture ..in a way i am also learning how to teach better in classes as well...

taken just now in my Statistics Class ..huge class!

anyway ..i just had my last class for this week ...felt relieved that i can now focus on my readings and can stay put in my office without having to move from one lecture halls to another ..so decided to have my lunch outside...instead of having it on the go while typing in front of the PC. So here I am having my packed lunch of fried noodles and omelette..enjoying the view ..feeling good about myself till this group of students sat not far from me and started thier conversarion...

such a boring conversation ..i couldnt help but hear them coz they are talking so very loud ..this really opinionated guy was dominating the conversation ..and talked about the economy in USA and comparing to the rest of the world ..he cited examples from China..Indonesia ..Philipines ..Singapore ..Taiwan ...and i guess his friends did not like him much ...little by little people left him ...hahaha he did not give anybody a chance to speak! and now as I am typing, he is left with his grilfriend ....and the others just left ...

that's my lunch entertainment for today ...

Have a great weekend people :-)

First class in Vics

Today marks the first day of my classes ...it is like so weird coz usually I am in the front talking nonsense ...hahaha but this morning I was one of the students attending my first lecture at Vics. Thought I was early by arriving 5 minutes early ...but by the time I arrived, the huge lecture theatre at Kirk Building was nearly full ...turns out that the stream that I enrolled in was full to its capacity ie. 400 students per stream ...and the afternoon stream also has full house ...

I never ever had this many students in this class before ...even when I was in Newcastle, the class was never this big ...and since it is a "calculating" subject, i dont know how it is gonna work ...but we will be having tutorials and drop in sessions as well throughout the week ...and the funny thing is that when the lecturer - who was highly recommended by my SV - told us that each tutorial group should be between 40-50 ppl ...but they only prepare rooms for 30 people in a group - coz attendance is not compulsory and many people will be skipping classes and tutorials ...ehehehehe sounds so much similar to the case back home in Malaysia :-)

was told that we will be needing graphic calculator ....and he said the brand new one costs about $135 ....bloody hell ...it is so expensive!!!! and there are cheaper version but not as good as that one ...i am going to go for a cheaper version tomorrow ...

and we were also told that we need to get the text book ...the new one costs $80-90 hahahaha that is equivalent to one nice pair of jeans here ...or a nice jacket (on sale price!) ...or a pair of boots!!! so what did I do??? I went to trademe - a website where we can buy or sell pre-loved items or even finding a roommates, car, etc etc. And guess what - a lot of copies of the textbook in question and the prices vary ..ranging from $30 - $80 for second hand books ...but, lucky me, I bought one book for ....wait for it .....jeng jeng jeng ...$20 (plus $5 delivery charges) ...cheap ehhhh ..hahaha i am so happy!!! at least i am saving approximately $60 there :-)

anyway, this class is a one hour class so, we are having 3 classes a week ...today was ok ...and I am hoping the rest will be ok as well ...i am not looking forwards to its 7 assignments, mid term test and final exam test. Was told that the final exam test is a 3-hour exam!!! Has been so long since I do tests of this nature ...wish me lucks guys ...

One month on ...

I have been here for a month!!! yeayyyyy!!!! after such a long process and delay to get here, i am finally here ..the first week was hard - as I was missing the boys so much ..but four weeks on, I felt like I have been here longer than these measly four weeks :-) 

once upon a time, when I first started, my study desk at the flat was like this ...now, you could barely see the surface as it is covered with lots of things ...papers, books, maps, photographs ..the occasional food wrappers (for survival, eating is a must!)

I have been rather preoccupied with works ...with readings and various tasks ..my SV have been piling up a lot of reading materials on my desk, and me being the perfectionist, always wanted to do those reading as soon as it was given to me. So far so good ..i managed to get things done the way i wanted to ..but as the weeks get on ..i find that it is harder to do so ..not that i don't know how to do it (i mean it is just reading) ..but the more i read, the more i discuss with my SV, the more complex the issues become ....and the more confused i become ....i thought i had everything nicely done before ..thought i know about what i wanted to do ...know the area of study ...hahaha what a joke ...within 4 weeks my SV and i had meet 5 times ...and we have managed to dissect my proposal  ... i am happy with it now, and so does Phil....but it is far from over ...i still need LOTS of work to make it presentable, logical, academically sound bla bla bla ....

I was confused a lot of time hahahaha but luckily i remember what Dr M taught me before ..he said that you will bound to be confused - dont know what to do - have to redo things a couple of time -but that is all good ...as it means that you are thinking ..if you are not confused, that means that there must be something seriously wrong hahahaha the wise words from my mentor! And when i was so stress out, i had a talk with him ..hahaha and guess what, he told me not to work so hard at the early stage :-) so, here i am updating my blog, doing some blogwalking, and relaxing in front of boring Kiwi telly programmes ..basically doing nothing at all hahaha ...and it feels good!

and next week marks another chapter to my road to PhD ...was advised to enroll in a statistics course ...coz it will be very beneficial to me later on when it comes to my data analysis stage... i am using mixed methods but i am not so familiar with quantitative methods - especially in constructing composite indices ..and my SV had managed to persuade me that composite indices are very significant in my research ...ergo, i have to attend proper statistics class ...and it is not just a "sit-in" exercise - Phil said that if it is just a sit-in exercise, I may not pay as much attention to it ...so I am enrolling as a "proper" students ...and there will be assignments and exams ...if i am not mistaken the final exams will either be 100% or 75% ...arghhhhhhh ....not something that I am looking forward to...but, like fendi said - aku kan suka cabaran - hahaha so I am giving it my best ....the classes is 3 hours a week but they split it into 3 one-hour classes ...and on top of that I will be sitting in another theory class ...it is a three-hour lecture and finishes at 7pm ....so definitely getting busier starting next week ...

and it will only be my second month of PhD ..still a longgggggggggg way to go ...

missing my mom

Two sundays ago, I went for a walk with my flatmates ..we were bored, and went to Botanic Garden. It is not far from our place, but it is such a hilly place ...i put all the pictures in the other blog (check it out) ..the flowers are awesome .but i am kind of sad as it really reminded me of my mom...my mom loves roses ..we used to have this really big bush of red roses at home in Sri Aman ..and smaller buses of small pink roses ..and she also plants some red roses at our house in Kuching ...i miss those roses at my backyard!

I took a lot of pics of the roses and sent it to Jane via whatsapp and FB so that Jane can show them to mom ..as expected, she was in awe ...hahaha my mom is easily pleased! but, i miss her so much ...and seeing those roses really tug at my heart string!somehow I dont think I will be taking here though (when she visits me here/ coz it is too hilly and she is definitely not able to climb those steep hills ..unless I take her by car and park at the entrance of Lady Norwood Rose Garden :-)

these are just a couple of photos - there are so many beautiful roses there at Botanic Garden ...plenty of vibrant colours :-) I just wish my mom is here with me ..i miss our gossiping moments ..our mother-daughter moments ..but thank God for technology. I can actually video call her thru TALK on my phone ..it is not the same but at least we can see each when we are talking ...

me and my mom, with my nephew and niece ..taken a few days before I left for Welly