a long period of silence

My last posting in this blog was months ago ...i was active in the other blog as it is more on my activities ..the things that I done, and as a mean of updating my dear friends of my activities ...always happy occasions ...food, party, sight seeing and merriment ...but i was reluctant to update this blog, as I felt this is more personal to me ...so, I have been thinking that I need time to rethink this new phase of my life ..i need time to re-adjust to living in Wellington ..i need time to reflect on the past ..i need to know how strong I could be..and how strong I must be in order to achieve what I have set myself to achieve ...

sounds cliche? perhaps ...but I was finding it a bit hard to settle down here ..the first month was the hardest ...trying to cope with my new responsibility ...as a student, under scholarship..with pressure and expectation, a new challenge as I was basically "taken out" from my comfort zone ...yes, I admit that I was so comfortable in my last position back home ..and here I am, in a foreign land where I do not know anybody when I first arrived ...and missing the boys terribly ....this is actually our longest separation period ...i was trying to take everything in my stride ...it was hard ...as I was trying not to let my parents and my siblings know how I really feel ..putting a brave face ..and trying to be cheerful ...i am person who always hide behind my smiles, I am good at that...I smile a lot and people around me think I am so happy and no problem to think about...they were wrong, there were times that I cried myself to sleep because I miss Al and adik so much ...when I knew that my mom or my dad were unwell ...when I knew that my only sister was hospitalised and having an operation...and knowing that I am so far away, and couldn't do anything about any of it was heart breaking ...

I am blessed to have many friends here ...despite only being here for only 5 months now ...I went out practically every weekends...potluck dinners, bbq dinners, drinks, sight seeing, sleep-overs..you name it, my weekends were always full of activities...and yet, sometimes I still feel I am so alone, despite being surrounded by people ...don't get me wrong, they are really really wonderful friends ...helping me in so many ways ...they have all been very kind to me, I really do appreciate their friendship...but, I guess there are times that I just felt so far from my family and close friends ....but I always tell myself, I choose this path ...it was my own decision to pursue this PhD journey ..and I know that it is going to be a long journey, and mine has just started ..I know all that ....it makes me more determined to finish this as soon as I possibly can ...

And doing a PhD is a different ball game altogether ...there are times I feel so stupid and cannot understand what my supervisor wanted me to do ...it is like he was talking in different language altogether! There are times that I read ...and read ...and read ..but I still don't understand what I was reading!!! and the guilt set in ...as I was guilty of all the time that I wasted by not being productive ...and that guilt spiraled into depressing thoughts and translated into a somewhat study-distruptive behaviour ...and I am only 5 months into PhD ...imagine how I will have to cope and motivate myself to be strong for the next 3 years ....

and another form of distraction has been from people in my past ...i received unwanted communication from my past life that really pissed me off ...some people just cannot get over the fact that I have move on ....and that being single doesn't mean that i am pining for companion ...but it is sort of a blessing in disguise for me ...because it made me realised that I can tell trusted friends about my past ..and I did not cry ...i don't feel anything anymore ...and it just struck me that I am completely and utterly free from that episodes ...people said that you are healed when you can talk about it without crying anymore ...i used to think it was a cheesy line ...but, heyyyyy ..i realised that I am so over it that it did not bother me at all ..so, hoorayy for that ...

At the moment, my only focus in life is to finish my PhD ...and to be happy with my family ...I have come to a decision that I will try my very best to achieve these important aims of mine ...sacrifices have to be made ....i have to be strong and determined ..there will be times when I will falter, but i must remind myself, I need to pick myself up again ...that's called life ...

so, maybe..just maybe...this new phase in my life will make me into a stronger person...and yes, I am still searching for my rainbow ...for now, my rainbow is known as PhD :-)